Moses was as happy as he had been in sometime. For the last few weeks, he and Sarah had spent most of their time together. Sometimes they went out on dates; sometimes they stayed in and watched old movies. Sometimes she cooked and sometimes Moses ordered out. It wasn’t that he minded cooking; it was just the dishes that he hated doing. Sarah understood. The one thing that made Moses the most nervous was bringing her home to Terry. Moses saw no reason for Terry to not approve of her, but knowing that he was fickle, Moses was a little apprehensive bringing her home.
Terry was very picky about the girls that came into his house. If they didn’t like baseball, they had to go. Conversely, if they happened to like the Kansas City Royals they immediately met his approval. Moses never really understood why Terry liked the Royals and thought that this standard was a little too high because he was pretty sure that no one, including the people in Kansas City, liked the Royals. Some other deal breakers were if the girl smoked, if she appeared to be at all sketchy, scandalous, shifty, shady or any other “S” word, or if she was from Canada. Too much “Eh?” and not enough “Eyyyyy,” Terry thought. As a first line of defense, Terry would crawl all over the intruder. If she at all resisted or appeared to possibly sneeze, she was done for. The manner in which Terry chose to tell Moses that it was time to send a girl packing caused some confrontation at first. Once he decided that a girl was not going to make the cut, Terry would silently disappear. After he felt that his presence had left the girl’s mind, he would climb onto a tall shelf, gauge the distance and wind (depending on whether or not the fan was on), and then leap directly onto her head with the most terrible sound you could ever imagine a cat making. Needless to say, Moses was very displeased with this the first five or so times Terry did this. However, knowing that there was little that he could do to stop him, Moses just made sure that he always knew where Terry was the first few times that he brought a new girl home.
Before Moses brought Sarah home for the firs time, he had a long talk with Terry explaining how much he liked her. Terry understood, but knew his hands were tied in the matter. He had a duty to perform. When Moses finally brought her home, Terry immediately began rubbing against her legs. Sarah bent down, picked up Terry and began to pet him. Terry purred, Moses smiled and things were looking up. As the night went on, Terry learned that not only did Sarah love baseball; she loved all sports in general. Moses was sure that this one was in the bag. What he didn’t account for was Terry’s mischievousness. Considering how well the evening had been going concerning Terry, Moses neglected to notice when Terry drifted away from the couple. As Moses and Sarah were talking, she asked where Terry had gone. Moses heart immediately dropped as he turned to see Terry creeping across the top of the shelf. He shook his head “No!” and Terry just eyeballed him back, defiantly, from his lofty perch. Sarah began to turn and at that moment Terry leapt. As he soared across the living room, Sarah held out her arms and caught him in mid-air. “Got ya!” she exclaimed. Sarah turned back around and Terry lay down in her lap, purring as she stroked his head. He had never intended on landing on Sarah, just making Moses nervous. It ended up working out better than he planned. Terry loved Sarah and Sarah loved him back. He was saddened to hear that she was going out of town for the weekend.
Terry wasn’t the only one that was bummed out about Sarah leaving for the weekend. Considering that for the most part Moses was what most would consider a wallflower, he wouldn’t really have anything to do while she was gone. However as luck would have it, one of his friends was celebrating his birthday on the weekend. Sebastian, who would be 24 on Friday, was one of Moses’ best friends. Despite being completely different in a lot of ways, they seemed to accent each other. To offset Moses’ social awkwardness, Sebastian was a social mover. With a name like Sebastian, how could he not be? However, much like Moses, Sebastian didn’t really fit in with a lot of the people that he went to school with. He was a math major and most of those folks are better suited to be in a room with Moses so they could all spend time staring at the floor ignoring each other. Either way, Moses was glad to have something to do. On Friday, he met up with Sebastian to make plans about how the celebration would take place. They decided that they would go to the new bar downtown called Slick Willy’s. Honestly, Moses felt that one could never trust a person named Slick Willy but assumed that it was only a catchy title and that they would surely meet no person by such name.
Later that evening Moses was talking to Terry while he was getting ready to go out. Terry was also slightly unsure about an establishment called Slick Willy’s, but what was he going to say? He was only a cat, after all. Moses assured Terry that he wasn’t going out to meet any girls or any of that nonsense. As Moses was explaining all of this, Terry just laid back and pretended to listen. He didn’t need Moses to say that he wasn’t going out looking for girls. He had lived with him for years and knew that Moses never went out looking for girls. Besides, Terry knew that Moses understood the consequences that would most assuredly be handed down if he did anything that compromised his status with Sarah. Terry loved Sarah and would stand for zero silliness concerning this matter. As Moses was finishing getting dressed, Sebastian arrived. “Hey, you ready to go?” Sebastian asked. “Yeah, almost,” Moses replied. Sebastian responded, “Hurry up! I’m pretty sure this place has some sweet drink specials before 11 and I want to get in on that. This is crucial. Move it!” Moses, who would have been slightly annoyed at the pestering he was being forced to deal with had it not been Sebastian’s birthday, just ignored him and put on his shirt. “Let’s go,” Moses proclaimed. As they arrived at the bar, Sebastian noticed the sign outside. It read: “Half-off Domestics and $2.50 Appletinis before 11.” “BOOM!” Sebastian exclaimed. “Come on, it’s 10:30, I’ve got to get my cheap drink on!” Sebastian’s enthusiasm was quickly quelled as soon as they walked through the doors. Both partygoers looked around in amazement, as they saw almost no women in the entire bar. “This sucks,” Sebastian droned. “Where are all the women?” “It’s still early, you know?” Moses replied. “Maybe they just haven’t made it out yet.” “Yeah, but it’s $2.50 Appletinis!” a very confused Sebastian stated. “Well, we’re already here so I guess I’ll get me a beer.” They walked to the bar and a very well dressed bartender asked what they would like. “Two Coors Lights,” responded Sebastian. Moses looked at the bartender while he was grabbing the beers out of the cooler. He thought to himself that this bartender was probably the best-dressed bartender that he had ever seen. Maybe the best-dressed bartender ever; except maybe Doug Coughlin in Cocktail, but that was just a movie. As Moses looked around the bar, something just didn’t add up. No women to be seen anywhere, $2.50 Appletinis, pseudo-techno music… Then a light bulb went off. “Hey Sebastian, have you ever been here?” Moses asked. “No, why?” Sebastian responded. “Well, I’m not sure how to say this…” At that moment, the bartender interrupted Moses. “Hey guys, here’s your beers.” Sebastian reached into his pocket. “Four bucks, right?” he asked. “Don’t worry about it. These are on me,” the bartender responded. “Holy hell!” Sebastian replied. “Thanks man!” Moses looked at Sebastian a little funny but couldn’t help laughing at how excited Sebastian was about the free beer. “Did you see that?” Sebastian asked. “That is the coolest bartender I’ve ever met.” He paused for a moment. “…And possibly the best dressed. Now, what were you saying?” Moses looked at Sebastian a little sheepishly and then decided to just come out with it. “Dude, I think that we’re in a gay bar.” Sebastian was taken aback by this news. “No way. Don’t you think I would know if I was in a gay bar?” While saying this, Sebastian took another look around and began putting the pieces together himself. No women, $2.50 Appletinis, pseudo-techno music, best-dressed bartender ever, free beers, autographed picture of Barney Frank over the bar… “Moses, I think you might be right. I was just hit on by a man, wasn’t I?” “Sebastian, I believe you were. Sebastian then asked, “That’s an autographed picture of Barney Frank, isn’t it?” Moses looked up and squinted a bit. “Yes it is,” Moses replied. “But hey, let’s make the best of it. It’s your birthday and we’re going to have a good time.”
It was just then that a sizeable group of young college coeds walked into the bar. “Hey, Sebastian. Look!” Moses exclaimed. “Women!” Sebastian turned to see the group that Moses was talking about. He raised half an eyebrow for a moment, and then turned back to Moses. “They’re probably lesbians, you goof. We’re in a gay bar, remember?” “No No No No! Think about it!” Moses quickly interjected. “If you were a large group of girls that didn’t want to have to deal with a bunch of horny guys, where would you go?” “Not here,” Sebastian answered. He elbowed Moses in the ribs. “Am I right? Am I right?” He laughed for a second and then paused. “OH! Holy shit. I WOULD come here if I were a large group of girls that didn’t want to deal with a bunch of horny guys that wanted GIRLS. You should really clarify next time.” Moses rolled his eyes. “You’re such a dick. Yeah here! So, they’ll never expect two straight guys to be here. You should totally go over there and talk to them.” Sebastian stood up and prepared to make his move. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” the bartender said. “Of course you wouldn’t,” Sebastian replied. “That’s just silly. I just want to go talk to them.” “You don’t get it, do you?” the bartender asked. “Your friend was half… well… one-third right.” The bartender turns to Moses and says, “That shirt is all wrong, sweetie.” He turns back to Sebastian and continues with, “Those girls just want to have a night off, so leave them alone.” “Come on, man!” Sebastian retorted. “It’s my birthday.” The bartender, beginning to look a little annoyed, responded, “I’d better not catch you out there trying to donkey-knock any of my girls. If you want to celebrate your birthday, I get off in about 30 minutes and I’ll take you to a place where the girls aren’t taking the night off.” Sebastian looked at Moses. He wasn’t really sure what to make of this offer considering that the bartender had already given him free beer. Moses just shrugged his shoulders. He wasn’t really partial to the goings-on of the evening. Sebastian looked back at the bartender. “You’re not going to try to slip me a rufie or anything like that, are you?” Sebastian asked. “Paahleese,” the bartender sighed. “You’re not my type. Your friend on the other hand…” He cocked his head sideways for a moment, and then waved his index finger towards Moses’ shirt. “Nope, I just can’t get passed that shirt. Anyway, are you guys in?” Sebastian looked back at Moses again. “You in?” he asked Moses. Moses again shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Whatever. Let’s do it.” Sebastian turned back to the bartender and said, “We’re in. By the way, what’s your name?” The bartender held out his hand and said, “I’m Eric.” Sebastian and Moses each shook his hand. “This is my friend Moses, and I’m Sebastian,” Sebastian explained. “Sebastian, huh?” Eric asked. Sebastian nodded his head. As Eric walked off to the other end of the bar he laughed and said, “Who’s the queen now?”
Thirty minutes and 4 beers later, Moses and Sebastian were following Eric across the Slick Willy’s parking lot to his shiny black Audi. Moses couldn’t help but admire the car. He had always wanted an Audi but knew he was destined to drive his 2003 Pontiac Grand Am until the wheels fell off of it. It was paid for, and that was worth something. The threesome got into the car and wheeled out of the parking lot and off into the night. “So, where are we headed?” Moses asked. “The Ted,” Eric replied. Sebastian immediately perked up. “The Ted!?” he exclaimed. “Hell yes.” The Ted, or Theodore’s as it was officially titled, was a gentleman’s club just outside of town. It had a reputation for having the best looking dancers within 100 miles. Moses couldn’t attest to this, although he had heard it from several people. Despite never really being a fan of strip clubs, as he thought they were generally a waste of money, he was interested to see if the rumors were true.
By the time they arrived, the club was three-quarters full and “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Pat Benetar was blaring through the speakers. It seemed as if Traci, the innocent schoolgirl, had just taken the stage. Sebastian looked as if he was an 8 year old that was just handed a hundred dollar gift certificate to Toys-R-Us and told to run wild. He bolted for the stage and squeezed in between two older gentlemen that may or may have not been Hell’s Angels; either that or active members in a S&M club. Moses pondered this idea for a minute, and then decided it was best to leave it be. He much preferred the idea of these guys riding choppers and causing havoc to… well, whatever goes on in S&M clubs. Moses and Eric took a seat at the bar. “So, why do you come here?” Moses asked. “My boyfriend is a bartender here and I’m friends with a lot of the girls,” Eric replied. “So, is that your boyfriend there?” Moses asked. “Yeah, that’s him. Hey Travis! Come here!” Moses looked at Travis as he was walking over. He now stood corrected. After seeing Travis, Moses decided that Eric was the second best-dressed bartender that he had ever seen. Travis made Justin Timberlake look like he got his clothes from the Salvation Army. “Hey you,” Travis said to Eric. “Who’s your friend?” “This is Moses. He and his friend, that one over there drooling over Traci, accidentally stumbled into Willy’s tonight.” “Oops,” Travis laughed. “Moses, it’s nice to meet you.” “Nice to meet you too, Travis,” Moses replied. Eric looked back at Travis. “I told the guys that I’d bring them out to a place where the girls weren’t taking the night off tonight. I kind of felt bad for them, looking for fish in a field. So I brought them here.” “Well, they’re definitely working tonight,” Travis stated. At this time, Traci was finishing her dance and Sebastian walked over to the bar to join the group. “Sebastian, this is Travis; Eric’s boyfriend,” Moses told Sebastian. “Sebastian?” Travis asked. “Yeah,” Travis replied. “Nice name,” Travis responded. “Thanks, Eric called me a queen earlier.” “Yeah, he does that. He’s jealous that he doesn’t have a name like Sebastian,” Travis said. “Shut your mouth,” Eric interjected. “See what I mean?” Travis chuckled. “Well guys, I hate to run, but we’re pretty busy and I need to get back to work. It was nice meeting you Moses; Sebastian.” “Sebastian, I think that Lindsey is about to come on,” Eric stated. “If you liked Traci, you should love her.” “Done!” Sebastian proclaimed. “You coming, Moses?” Moses shook his head. “Nah, I’m just gonna hang here. You have fun, birthday boy.”
Sebastian hurried back to the stage as the announcer proudly introduced Lindsey to “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard. “Lindsey is my girl!” Eric said excitedly. “Watch this! She actually brings a bag of sugar out on stage with her. You wouldn’t think that it would work, you know, with the sugar getting sticky and all, but somehow she pulls it off. Lindsey began dancing around the stage and spun around the pole a time or two before setting the bag of sugar down in front of Sebastian. “Look!” Moses exclaimed. “Sebastian is gonna get to actually pour sugar on her. You know, that’s a really clever use of song and prop.” “Yeah, I don’t know what it is, but it drives the guys wild,” Eric replied. “Let’s walk over there.” Moses and Eric left their seats at the bar to stand behind Sebastian as he was dusting Lindsey with sugar. When she rose up off the stage, she noticed Eric and gave him a wink. However, when she did this, she either lost track of where she was or got a grain of sugar in her eye; no one could really be sure. Before anyone could figure out what happened, Lindsey tripped over the bag of sugar and flew headlong off the stage. The crowd gasped and the two gentlemen who may or may not have been Hell’s Angels made an attempt to catch her but failed admirably. Luckily, Sebastian was directly in front of her and broke her fall for the most part. Moses and Eric helped her off the floor while Sebastian laid spread eagle in shock from the events that just transpired. Eric told Moses that he was going to walk Lindsey backstage and make sure that she was ok. The two left and Moses was left to Sebastian, who was still trying to collect himself. Eventually Moses coaxed him off the floor and they walked back over to the bar. “I need a beer,” Sebastian said, still seeming a little dazed. “That was pretty crazy, man,” Travis said. “She’s been doing that for a while now and I’ve never seen anything like that happen. I guess it’s a good thing that you were there to catch her.” Sebastian looked up at Travis. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Eric then returned with Lindsey who seemed to have survived the incident without any serious harm. “Lindsey, this is Moses and Sebastian,” Eric stated. “I saved them from Willy’s earlier tonight. They came into the wrong clubhouse.” “You guys were trying to pick up girls in a gay bar, weren’t you? You sneaky little devils.” Lindsey laughed. “Well…” Moses started. “I’m just messing with you,” Lindsey replied, stopping Moses. “I’m just glad Eric here saved you guys and brought you here to see my grace in full form.” “Are you ok?” Moses asked. “Yeah,” Lindsey replied. “I’m gonna make it. I think that I might have twisted my ankle a little, but other than that, I’m fine.” “Well that’s good to hear,” Moses replied. “How about you?” Lindsey asked Sebastian. “Yeah, I’m good. I have to be honest with you though. I always pictured having a naked woman flying towards me as being possibly the most exciting moment I could ever experience. But that kind of scared the hell out of me.” Sebastian said, while laughing a bit. Lindsey laughed and said, “I bet! I was pretty nervous myself. Did you see those two guys totally whiff trying to catch me? I’m just glad that you happened to be right in front of me. If not, I would have taken a swan dive right into the floor. Thanks.” “Hey, you’re welcome,” Sebastian replied. “From here on out, anytime you feel the need to dive off the stage, you let me know and I’ll be here.” “You got it!” Lindsey exclaimed with a laugh. “I think that Lindsey is done for the night,” Eric said. “Do you guys want to do anything else tonight?” Sebastian looked at Moses and, as usual, Moses just shrugged his shoulders. “You wanna go back to your place?” Sebastian asked Moses. “Sure,” he replied. “Ok,” Sebastian said. “We’re gonna go back to Moses’ apartment if you guys want to come and we can have a few beers and hang out.” Lindsey spoke up. “Sounds good to me.” “Let’s go!” exclaimed Sebastian.
The ride back to Slick Willy’s was interesting for the group. Lindsey and Sebastian sat in the back and talked about things such as what it takes to be a stripper, her favorite songs to dance to and if The Ted really did have the best looking dancers within 100 miles. A slightly different conversation was taking place in the front. Moses was telling Eric the story about how he and Sarah came to be dating and he also probed him for fashion tips. Moses assumed that he would be best served to maximize his time learning everything that he could about dressing sharp from the second best-dressed bartender that he’s ever seen who happened to be dating the first. It only made sense. After picking up Moses’ car, the foursome traveled to Moses’ apartment. There the conversations stayed mainly consistent with the ride. Eric just loved the story about Sarah and couldn’t wait to meet her while after enough talk about stripping, sugar and Def Leppard, Sebastian and Lindsey had found a comfy spot on the couch and began to make out. This was not a scene that either Eric or Moses wanted to witness so they decided to walk outside and continue their conversation. “So, where are you from originally?” Moses asked Eric. “I’m from Kansas City,” Eric replied. “Really? That’s pretty interesting. So I guess you’re a Royals fan then, huh?” Eric almost looked disgusted. “Are you kidding me? The Royals are terrible. No one, not even people from Kansas City, likes the Royals.” Moses felt almost vindicated hearing this. “You know,” Moses said, “I tell my cat the same…” Moses paused and at that moment he heard a blood-curdling cry that no cat should ever make. Running towards the door, Moses yelled, “Terry! NOOOOOOO!” Eric stood on the porch very confused. “Who’s Terry?” he asked.
Very clever how we don't know who or what Terry is until mid-way through!
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